It’s like they’re all on strike and my feet are on fire for no reason
10 Dec 2010 2 Comments
in Personal Tags: brain activity, enthusiastic rambling, flow of consciousness, holidays
I’ve been feeling a great deal more insane than usual.
Kind of like this, except without the whole "crazy achievement" bit, and with more of the "my feet are on fire for no apparent reason, and I may just fall down on my face"
And with insane, I mean (that I’m stealing pictures shamelessly off the internet) the sort of hazy, pseudo-braindead state where you do everything impulsively and do not stop to or are unable to consider the consequences and/or implications of your actions. Also, it seems like it’s incredibly difficult for me to make myself concentrate on one thing for extended periods of time (including, for example, reading — or, well, I can read things for a relative amount of time, but I don’t feel like I’m actually absorbing or ingesting the information, but instead, I’m just… you know, kinda mechanically scanning through the words, which is not a feeling I’m used to), which is highly unusual for me, because I’m exactly the sort of person who will sit down with one task, and then, three hours later, stand up again and move on to something else.
I mean, my concentration and effort is usually, um, concentrated on one thing like a 110%… efficiency? Look, see, this is just a prime example of how I feel — I was only now writing this sentence, and it’s not nine lines long, and I forgot where it was going and what I was going to do with it. I mean, the fact that I’m ABLE to write somewhat coherent (just ask anyone who reads my writing on a semi-regular– oh, right, this is my blog and you’re my readers, so you’re used to my running sentences by now [I hope, and I apologise for my crazy style]) sentences that span that long a.. distance, with the conjunctions and punctuation necessary to make it so, means that I must be able to have adequate amounts of concentration on the thing I’m doing at the moment, right?
But for the past couple of days, it feels like I’m not absorbing anything at ALL. It’s like my brain has gone “ahhhhhhh” after not having to be stressed out by social interaction and trying to remain funny and interesting and lovable to all (because I actually worry about this every time I have social interaction with someone, because I’m like that; actually, that was a lie — I only worry about it if I’m solely with people I know, because for some reason, being great at small-talk doesn’t mean that you’re awesome with sustaining interesting conversation with people you’ve already met before plenty of times [is that even grammatically correct?]), and, of course, not having to worry about academic achievement and whatnot.
Speaking of academic achievement, only three days until results. Holee. It feels so surreal! And all I can think about is how crappily math exam 2 went and how worried I am about the result for math and if that’s going to ruin my chances with everything else and how amazing it would be if I got a 50 in English, though that seems kind of unlikely, because, I mean, I’m good, but I’m not THAT good, am I? Anyway. I’m terrified about math and interested and curious and other synonyms about everything else.
What was I saying…? Right. Increased amounts of insane and brain going “ahhhh” and turning off. I don’t think I even properly finished the sentence in the paragraph before last that took up almost the entire paragraph (see? see? see?) before going off on a tangent about VCE results — our ATAR (Australian Tertiary Admissions Rank? I’m just guessing, and waaaay too lazy to google). Or, well, my ATAR, because I wasn’t thinking about anybody else’s. Now I am. Freaking boyfriend isn’t interested in his, but I WANT TO KNOW HOW HE DID AS WELL D; And most of my friends, really. I don’t know why. Morbid curiosity? Why are people so curious about other people’s business? Because comparing themselves to other people is the only way to tell them that they’re doing it right and they’re not insane?
But there’s a flaw in the system, if you think about it like that… That’s the sort of thing that just encourages stupidity and completely useless and ridiculous rules of society, and thwarts all advancement. If a human being is curious about other people through his desire to remain normal and social, then… I lost my train of thought. Probably something about that idea juxtaposed with the one that curiosity feeds inspiration, or something.
Regardless, what I think the point of this post is that I feel weird, my thoughts aren’t gathering and organising like they should be, and I almost feel like I’m in the middle of some great intellectual meltdown. How could that be? But I’ve been treating my mind so very well… Providing it with different stimulus and doing different things and trying to keep thinking about things and everything, regardless of it being holidays; and with that, I mean that I’ve not allowed myself to fall into the lethargic routine of “get up, watch dvds, eat, shower, go to sleep” that sometimes happens during the holidays… Maybe that’s the problem? Maybe I should give myself a rest?
AARRGgghhh, keeping one’s brain in working condition is so haaaard! Or is it just me? Is my brain just uncooperative? Maybe my subconscious has gone on vacation — or maybe my conscious has gone on vacation, and now I’m living entirely on my subconscious… It would explain why nothing is making — wait, but my subconscious always makes sense. What? Ooh, maybe the little people who do the organising inside my subconscious (because I’ve totally started visualising it as this huuuge hall of filing cabinets, because I’m like that)
Something like that... Except that the people working there definitely don't look so boring, and it's all colour-coded instead of black and white. And the hall is a lot huger.
have gone on a strike or something, except that I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY WANT FROM MEEEEEEEEEE.
Just to clarify, I’m not usually this insane. Just read any of my blog entries. Ok, except for the previous three ones. In all honesty, I think that when my brain starts functioning properly again, I’m going to fix the description of this blog and clarify the about page and stuff like that — because this is fairly ridiculous.
Hey, there was a moment there when I was actually thinking clearly, woo! I’m kind of on the edge of thinking clearly and feeling completely out of it, and I still have no idea why. Underneath all of that, and all of my excitement and everything, I feel a bit tired… Maybe. It’s hard to tell.
Maybe next time I post, I’ll be more of a sound, sane state of mind.
Maybe.
Don’t get your hopes up, though.
Some sorts of tranquilizers and peace, everyone.
p.s. Har har har c wat I did thar?
Check it out, I can talk about twenty things at the same time!
05 Oct 2010 2 Comments
in Personal Tags: enthusiastic rambling, flow of consciousness, holidays, more awesome than you can handle, optimism, seasons, study
Erm. I don’t know if I widely advertised the fact that I just had a two-week break from school, but if I did and if I boasted something about the fact that I would have had a lot of time to, you know, update my blog and do fun stuff and the such, I obviously meant social stuff that has nothing to do with the internet and me prattling on to a very limited readership (not that I mind my limited readership, mind you, it’s not like I have time to pimp my blog anywhere anyway). Why couldn’t you figure that out by the time I said it, eh, eh? A girl (or, you know, any human being) needs her time off, duh!
If I never did, then hi, I think I’m at least a little back again. I know that the previous sentence made next to no grammatical sense, but that’s ok, because my mind is full of math at the moment, anyway. Honestly speaking, I’m not really in the mood to blog now, either, like I really haven’t been in the past two weeks or so. It’s funny that at the very moment stuff starts actually happening in my life, I fly out of the internet and don’t even miss it, until I’m bored again. Take that, teenaged me — real life wins, after all!
Ok, I’m rambling, I know, and I’m sorry. I’ve just had so much fun and so little blogging in these two weeks that I don’t even know where to start. I could always start talking about my financial state and how having lots of free time makes me want to do things and, of course, want things to do (ha, c wat I did thar) — which oftentimes means “no moar money for you, missy.” I need my job back! I can’t afford seeing three movies in two weeks — not with my addiction to popcorn and the overpriceyness of foodstuffs in cinemas. And, you know, tickets. But the movies were SOO GOOD. And then there was that dvd that I absolutely needed — no, wait, a set of dvds and then a blu-ray disk and lots of clothes, because the weather has become nicer (YES YES YES SUMMER IS COMING I CAN SMELL IT IT’S GREAT until my nose starts running because hay fever) and my wardrobe has become empty at some point in time I wasn’t paying much attention to–
and I have become SO addicted to Avatar: the Last Airbender that it’s not even funny, and then I just finished watching the last episode last night and was heartbroken so now I’m watching it again, because I’m a masochist like that (hey, little kiddies who don’t know what a masochist is — don’t google it — I SAID DON’T). And then, of course, there’s the exams that are coming at me like a freight train (this is a funny reference to a text we’re studying for English, which is one of the first exams, because alongside with being a masochist, I’m also a huge nerd), and I’m simultaneously exhilarated and terrified and stressed and all those other wonderful feelings that come with something that will determine if or not you get into where you want to study next year — ooooh, and then I’m really excited about the place I want to study at next year, because I was reading up on it and it’s absolutely AMAZING and I can’t wait
and I kinda need a hobby… And I wanna start writing again. That’s probably the most annoying thing about having had a very short holiday just now, a majority of which you had to sacrifice for thinking about or actually doing study for the sake of exams. It was kinda like they dangled a treat above our noses and let us lick at it — the treat here being the SWEET, SWEET FREEDOM that will come after exams — and then cruelly snatched it away, saying “you’ll get the rest of it in a month and a bit!” A month and twelve days from today, to be precise — that’s the day of my last exam.
I should probably stop rambling enthusiastically right now, and go back to that cursed math. And then French, I suppose, since I’ve been avoiding it for the past two weeks or so. Sigh!
Here, have pictures of how I motivate myself to study:
That’s right, I totally employ the power of ORANGE CANDY. <3 If anyone ever loves me so much that they will go through lots of places and buy me this sack full of orange lollipops (such as in the illustration on the left), I will totally… love them forever. That sounds kind of like a lame promise in exchange for candy, doesn’t it? Then again, it also implies that my love can be bought with orange candy — which it totally can, so I’m fine with that. ;3
Regardless, I’ll stop babbling right now and go ahead and continue studying math. I might be back later with something more coherent to say, but don’t count on it until after exams! And even then, I might be too awestruck by my freedom or, alternatively, too free to actually write anything here. But I promise, eventually I’ll settle back into blogging a lot more often — I love writing and talking to random people on the internet WAY too much to stop.
Peace and rambly thought-processes to everyone!
Oh, the season of strawberries, cream and skin cancer, how I yearn for thee
10 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: holidays, seasons, suspense
Ah, schadenfreude.
I suppose it’s terrible of me to feel gleeful about the fact that all of my Finnish friends will be returning to school shortly, but I’ve got to honestly say that a few more posts about how warm it is and how carefree all Finns are on their stupidly long holidays, and I will break down and weep like… well, I don’t know, few things weep like I do in this world (except for puppies, maybe; or baby animals in general), so I’ll just say that I’ll possibly weep like me.
It really doesn’t sound impressive or persuasive at all, when you put it that way, but hey, all I’m doing is being honest! Now’s when I realise what I wrote and pause and act melancholy for a moment, because I’ve learnt some things about regulating honesty, and self-control (which is also a part of regulating honesty, because self-control usually relates to emotions, and your emotions are [however biased] always honest), during the course of my life. But I suppose that I don’t have to rant about that right now, because I’m moderately happy, even though I’m still annoyed.
Ah, yes, summer. The time in which you don’t have any homework to worry about, or any upcoming exams to study for, or any curfews (self-inflicted or not), or deadlines, or times to get up and times to go to sleep. I know I’m a really organised person, but I honestly hate schedules on a general basis. I’m alright with allocating dates for tasks, but actual times… no dice. Sometimes you have to pace yourself during the day according to how you feel, and not how you’ve scheduled it. My mother still fails to realise this, and if something needs to be done, in her opinion, it always needs to be done RIGHT NOW. I suppose that my dislike for schedules comes from there — both mother and father have always been very fond of scheduling. Ugh. Of course, in the summer, the ideal would be that there be no need for real scheduling, except for maybe going out to the city or the beach or wherever it is that people go in the summer, teehee. Maybe going out for ice cream?
Another thing about scheduling is sleep. We were talking about this earlier with my significant other, and it’s pretty clear that both of us are the sorts of people who will be most awake at six pm, making it more comfortable for us to shift our sleeping rhythms, well, forward. ‘sides, there’s probably nothing in this world I love more than staying up very late with someone you love and just talking about things that pop into your mind, as little as they usually make sense. And even if you’re alone, staying up in the middle of the night, when everything else is quiet and there’s the sort of “it’s too late to do anything, so I’ll just stop stressing” sort of vibe going through my head, and when the night closes in on you and all your world entails is this dim room around you… Yeah, I can’t really imagine anything else. What I plan to do in the summer break is shift my sleeping rhythm some five hours forward — stay awake ’till one-three in the morning, and wake up around midday. :3
The third thing, of course, is weather. I really do understand that Melbourne needs its rain because of the drought it has been having for ages now — but as a Finn, where rain is little more than miserable and a constant annoyance, I’m finding myself very sick of that, too. It’s been better recently — the sun’s actually come out a few times in the past week or so, and the temperature almost went up to twenty (celsius, that is) yesterday (which was a pity, since I didn’t actually need to leave the house once yesterday), and the sun doesn’t set as early as it did just a month or so ago. It’s almost getting me hopeful about the fact that the warmth and the nice breeze and the sunshine and happiness will be soon coming… or did, at least, ’till I had to make my way home from school today in the sort of pouring rain that had my toes completely soaked after half a minute in it. Well, at least I got to use my wonderfully gay umbrella (it’s got a few stories related to it — basically it’s just a rainbow-coloured umbrella), right? Anyhoo, I’m the cold sort of human being that will still feel like the intestines of a refridgerator in a 30 degree heat (this is actually a tested fact), and hence I’m very easily and very thoroughly cold. Hence, logically, warmth = very nice. And summer clothes are cool, too — always so colourful, and so light and yay.
I might even go swimming a bit this summer, since I avoided it for the entirety of the last! That, though, means beaches and that means sand and sunscreen, because apparently feeling like a refridgerator goes together with having fair and sensitive skin that doesn’t like getting any darker, but instead enjoys being painful and red a whole lot. Anybody knows that sand and sunscreen really don’t mix together.
BUT I must really wait ’till the summer so that I can really start complaining about it. I always do this: when it’s winter, I hate it, and when it’s summer, I hate it a little less, but I hate it yet. And I don’t REALLY hate it — just that those birds singing outside my window at this very moment, with the soft rays of sunlight and the narrow stripes of bright, blue skies in the midst of dissolving rain clouds make me long for the summer. A lot.
Hurry up, Earth! Can’t you travel through space a little faster?
