Thinking it over (too much)
12 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Personal Tags: flow of consciousness, frustrations, pessimism, self
I swear to God, I’ve tried writing this same bloody post two times now, with very, very little success. I can’t get past three paragraphs of slightly insane raving and trying to come up with excuses about why I haven’t blogged and then half-assedly trying to get into why exactly it is that raving about shit and not blogposting are somehow connected to how I’m insecure and don’t do well in social situations.
Right now, at this precise moment, my brain is a mess, and this is going to be such an angsty post, mostly because I have absolutely nothing to say, even though so much has happened. Maybe it’s the fact that I deal with change very poorly, and this whole university thing hasn’t been very kind on me, especially since it has been happening at the same time as the treatment of my dad’s cancer. About that, by the way — he was at his second surgery two days ago, and he’s recovering alright. Now all we have left is chemo and he should be cured completely, after that — and we hope that he will be. All in all, it’s looking very fine.
Anyway. University. This whole huge intimidating change in my life, where they apparently throw you into the deep end and see if you sink or swim. I may be exaggerating it a little bit, but I’ve had many, many, many irritating — no, that word is way too mild, but I can’t remember a suitable synonym right now — weeks of waiting for more information about this entire system to come my way. It seems like we receive dates and places we’re supposed to be at, we go to them gatherings or information sessions or orientations or whatever, and all we get is a tidbit of information and the next date and location for the next meeting where we might receive another bit of information. No practical knowledge is actually shared in these sessions, simply the “you’re studying science now, you know, and this is going to be the construction of your course” — nothing about paying and nothing about allocating my timetable and nothing about what I’m supposed to do with lectures and books and where’s a second-hand bookstore and–
It’s just all so foreign, and I’m so very scared at the moment. It’s like I have no idea what I’m doing, or what I’m supposed to be doing at all. I’m overreacting to all of this, but it’s like… What’s probably been holding my life together for this long has really been school. I’ve always known how to handle school, and I’ve been particularly good at knowing how to answer questions, and knowing exactly what my teachers want me to do when they ask for some specific thing. Now, that structure is taken from me, and since I don’t have a very strong social circle — no, I don’t have a social circle at all, I only really have my significant other, the poor bastard, trying to hold me together (not an easy task at the easiest days) — nor do I have any defining hobbies, I’m… lost. I suppose it’s the recurring cliché of my life, that whole “when you’re a teenager/young adult, you define yourself as a person.” What they don’t tell you is that even after you think you’ve defined yourself, as your circumstances change, you just have to keep re-defining yourself, over and over and over and over again.
Or maybe that’s just me. It’s like I should have some sort of session every week in which I write down my full name, my greatest likes and dislikes and personality quirks, desired hobbies and future plans and that sort of thing. It might help keep me on track for a bit.
I hate summer holiday for exactly this reason: there’s nothing to… you know… keep me a whole human being. Instead, it’s like I’m just driven by singular desires that usually keep me hooked to the television for hours straight, because it’s not like I have anything better to do. Ok, it might not be so bad anymore, because recently I’ve started desiring to read things like The Lord of the Rings, ever since seeing the movies (I talked about this earlier — I’m so much in love) and re-playing video games and generally just re-asserting my beloved geekiness. I’ve also been working a bit on writing and the like — things that I’ve loved before and that I’ve recently been re-enamored with. That’s a good sign.
It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still simply floating. I honestly hope that with university, come those interests and hobbies and the like that I’ve been lacking ever since I quit skating in 2007(? I can’t even remember). It’s been a hell of a long time, and I’m sick of riding on “I know who I am and I don’t need anything but that knowledge.” It gets really taxing, trying to be yourself when you honestly have nothing but your emotions and thoughts and opinions to define you. You also tend to get over-emotional and overreact grossly to certain situations.
I think that was all the angst that I had in me, for now. Sorry about that. Hopefully next time I come by, it won’t be too far down the track and I’ll have something happier to talk about.
Peace and some tea to calm yourselves, everyone.
