Health and peace of mind
30 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in Personal Tags: revelations, serious, stress
I think I just had one of the most meaningful moments in my life. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to heed it, since I’m young and stubborn and I always think that my way is the right way, when it comes to my own self, but I hope that it’ll start sticking to me soon, instead of coming back to me regrettably, somewhere close to my middle-ages, when I look at my life and don’t like what I see.
My father’s father died when he was 44. He had a stroke because of his high blood pressure — he had those sorts of problems. My father, too, has been on such medication, apparently especially when my sister and I were too young to understand such things. Recently, it appears to me, things have settled down on that front; however, his cancer (read the blogpost from late 2010 for explanation) came as an ugly surprise to us all. A moment ago, he disclosed to me that he firmly believed that his cancer was, so to speak, his own doing, as was his high blood pressure — because of the mental strain he placed on himself, and the physical strain that followed. He thinks that his side of the family has a disease called perfectionism, one that has symptoms of both unreasonable expectations in oneself and the tendency of judging oneself far more harshly than others.
These are symptoms that I readily recognise in myself, and I also recognise that my own physical health has never been… perfect. At one time, I could have attributed it to my taxing sport “hobby” (read: lifestyle), and related difficulties of growing and exercising and not eating etc. Recently, especially during last year, it began to get worse and more acute at times, but since I haven’t had any “real” symptom of illness — I never get high fevers, for example; if the temperature reads 37.0, I’m rather sick — I oftentimes brush it off. Now, this is my own fault, and also the fault of my mother, The Nurse, to whom I’ve always felt the need to PROVE that I’m sick if I feel so, and hence never like making the assumption to her that I am, even if I think so, instead just complaining about aches and pains and nausea and whatnot; but it is also the fault of myself, because I have a tendency to think of it as normal, as well, and that it will pass.
But it hasn’t, and I’ve been trying to sort out all of my health problems with a doctor recently, and one of them has been confirmed to be chronic to the point where further complications are possible. I have a prescription for a certain medication for SIX FREAKING MONTHS, and to be continued after that, perhaps. Others are still under investigation, but…
I realised already immediately after my final exams that I will never again let my study or my work govern my life. It isn’t healthy, not mentally nor physically. I wrote often during the past year how I had difficulty thinking about much other than school — you can see it in the tags I’ve created for that subject. I still feel it now; I mean, obviously, this summer has been hard for me for other reasons than just that, but I still feel like I’m not even beginning to recover from last year. That’s why I’m slightly nervous about going to university in March — I’m not sure I’m ready. But then again, I should get out of that mindset and into the one that allows me to breeze through it in the same way I breezed through most of my schooling so far.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been feeling better recently, happier, and getting more enthused about certain things. In fact, in the past few days I’ve felt almost overwhelmed with how many things there are that I’ve been getting excited about: there’s Pokémon, for we have been watching the series and it’s absolutely ADORABLE, and I hence want to play the old game for the nostalgia of it and watch the first three movies, since they were positively epic; there’s Lord of the Rings, as I watched Fellowship of the Ring today for the first time in like three years (or more), and it blew me away, so I want to finish watching the other two and then maybe re-read the books and Silmarillion (it’s a good evening read, helps you fall asleep *grin* Father likens it to reading the phone book); then Supernatural and many, many more. And it’s not just that I have fleeting interest in them, it’s like full-on “OH MY GOD I WANT THIS SO BAD AND I WANT TO IMMERSE MYSELF IN IT” and that’s something I haven’t done in ages and it feels so good.
Uh. Anyway. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that the talk I had with my father was meaningful, but wasn’t anything I hadn’t already thought before. It was something I will probably carry close to my heart and remember, and maybe cling to, when times get rough again. And I’m only pulling myself out of self-inflicted rough right now, as well, but it seems to be working. I’m beginning to feel enthused and happy, even though I still get oh so very tired occasionally, and want to just curl up in my personal cocoon and not speak to anyone.
It’s slow, but I’m getting there, and I have only now remembered that I’m not alone and I don’t have to carry it all alone and there is always light and help and my foundation in my love.
Don’t underestimate the support of the ones you love.
Peace and love, everyone.
