Inspired about inspiration

I’ve been thinking about writing, recently; more specifically, I’ve been thinking about inspiration.

I’m not sure I’ve advertised this very clearly (because I’m aware that I can be relatively obscure at times; and even if I’m very clear about it, one can very easily get lost in my run-on sentences), so I’ll just put it plainly: I haven’t really written anything creatively for a very, very long while. And with “written anything”, I mean creative pieces of writing that are more than 500 words in length, and that have more of a subject matter than just “she”, which kinda not-very-obscurely most obviously refers to me. *coughcoughgetthereferencecoughcough?*

Anyway. Most of the time, I haven’t written anything because I simply don’t have the time for it, or when I do have the time, I’m too busy staring a wall and drooling because my allocated intelligence for that day (and that week; usually, and rather tragically, happens on a thursday) has been totally used up. Sometimes, however, I’m feeling as awake as anything that feels very awake, as full of energy as anything that feels full of energy (shut up, it’s thursday), and then I sit down and try to write and… nothing comes out.

It’s not that I don’t have ideas, either — I have plenty of ideas. I usually have about 5-10 “what if” scenarios running in my head, alongside a lesser amount of “ooh, that would be SO COOL to write about” sort of ideas. I have characters that I have used for text roleplaying before simply sitting around in the dusty corners of my brain, probably kicking stuff around, bored, that I could use for a variety of stories — and still, when I sit down to write, even with a specific idea in my mind, it just doesn’t come out right. No matter how hard I try, how many times I furiously delete the two or three paragraphs I laboriously type out and re-type them, it just doesn’t seem right. There’s no life into what I write, and sometimes, in some of the cases, it just ends up sounding plain dumb — like something I would’ve written when I was a ten-year-old (though I was a pretty good writer for a ten-year-old).

Most of the time, I’m too busy to really think or worry about it, but when I do have time, and in between study sessions and writing up lab reports in a really scientific style or simply writing a blogpost like this, I kind of wistfully think back to when I was writing my novel or some amazing short story I now read with my eyes wide and go “how the hell did I manage that?”. And then, when I sit down to write and nothing comes out, I wonder — what is it that I’m missing?

Recently, I’ve started to think that it’s inspiration. Writing was never simply a method of telling stories for me — it was a manner of expressing myself, expressing my more violent feelings, the ones that were gnawing my heart and I couldn’t express in other ways, in the fear of scaring other people away. And it wasn’t just that, either — it was my craft, it was my art; because you can’t express feelings adequately if you don’t have the skill for it. I had both the skill, and the drive, and the results, though I say so myself, were pretty spectacular.

I can say for sure that I haven’t lost my craft; I can still write, as is apparent from these blogposts, and the frequent tweeting that I do. Is it, then, that I have lost my drive? I wouldn’t think so, because I still feel as deeply as I ever have, and have as few ways to express it as ever. True, I now have a few more outlets than I have not had before, but I don’t think that that’s such a significant factor in writing. Writing is abstract, writing is personal — when I create, I create things I’m mostly afraid to imagine, myself.

So what is it that I’m missing?

I think what I’m missing is a catalyst. I have all the material — all the experiences, the new information, the feelings that I can turn into a story, but there is no spark. And without a spark, there is no fire. That spark, in creative writing terms, would be inspiration.

I don’t think “inspiration” is equal to simply “having an idea.” Inspiration is when you have an idea, and suddenly it grows in your mind to proportions you can’t really put your finger on — not simply an idea, a starting point, after everything that will happen is blank and left for you to decide, but a cobweb of interconnected, though mostly unvoiced ideas — of possibilities that are endless and can take you anywhere on your journey from your starting point. I have the craft and I have the ideas, but I don’t have the inspiration.

Just as a small side-note — this isn’t particularly problematic to me, at the moment; because being inspired also requires a great amount of capacity for thought and energy, for which I am particularly short at the moment. I hope that the blood pathology I get results for next week will give some insight into why this is, but as of now, I don’t feel particularly worried. I think that when I get my energy back, and I’m more lively again, the flashes of feverish inspiration will return. I can wait. Furthermore, I don’t think this problem would be as… inhibiting as it is currently, if I had kept on writing during the summer, and hadn’t stopped for most of last year. It’s always harder to start than it is to continue, and it requires more energy — which comes back in a circle.

On another, more abstract note — while I was thinking about how I don’t seem to have the inspiration, I started wondering about how other writers do it. Is writers’ block the lack of inspiration? Do other people get inspired out of the blue like I do? What exactly is inspiration?

I don’t have any answers for this yet, but it’d be nice to think on it.

But the most fascinating question is — does anyone have genuine inspiration? Like, sit in a dark room with no stimulus whatsoever, no prior experiences, nothing to colour their perception — are they still inspired? Is it possible to be inspired if there is nothing to “be inspired about” (if you get what I mean; if you don’t then go ahead and ask)?

Love, inspiration and thoughtfulness, lovelies.

p.s. I don’t necessarily agree with how romanticised and “limited” (heh, putting quotation marks around everything solves my problems and makes me seem ambiguous and thoughtful) inspiration is (if you’re confused about what I’m talking about, write “inspiration” into google images. Can I hab wine with mah cheesiness pls?). Anyone can be inspired about absolutely anything, as long as they keep an open mind, I think.

Them stories I write

I think it’s about time that I blog more explicitly about my current writing projects — and hopefully blogging about them will also encourage me to get back into the whole big writing projects thing. Here goes~

At the moment, I’m working on two different novels, one of which I started working on in 2009, planning to write it for NaNoWriMo. I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about Following the Gay Umbrella before — and the fact that the very url of this site comes from the fictional reality of that novel, Crazyland. People always ask what this specific novel is about, and it’s kind of hard to summarise specifically in the terms of MY story — the base plot, however, is one that’s not rare: five teenagers accidentally stumble upon an alternate dimension and then embark upon an epic quest to save said dimension. The problem with all of this, however, is the fact that Crazyland doesn’t seem to make much sense at all, what with its fickle gods and decidedly weird characters. … Yeah, I was right to begin with, it’s very hard to describe my novel without it sounding very vague and very lame. You’ll just have to read it at some point! *grins*

Anyway. This is the novel that I’ve put so much work in that it probably surpasses the amount of work I’ve ever put into any novel before. Oh, yeah, I’ve always tried writing novels or stories that I perceive to have grand endings — the problem I always have with them, however, is that I’m insanely inspired for the beginning and the clever end of the story (because beginnings and ends are my things — I’m really good with starting and ending a story creatively), but it’s the middle part that I struggle with. I always get bored of a story, because I have to struggle to fill the void between the clever beginning and the clever end. With Following the Gay Umbrella and the novel I started working on before that (the second one I’m working on — I’ll get to it) I started working around this problem by creating a plot outline — my plot outlines are basically the rough rough rough draft of the novel, which tell exactly what’s going to happen next. Curiously, sometimes my characters have wanted things to go differently than I had first imagined them, and chapters that were supposed to be short become long, basically because instead of moving forward, my characters sit down and discuss something — but I’m fine with that. My characters usually know best.

Yeah, my longer stories and novels are usually very character-oriented. When I start writing a story, or a novel, I usually begin with a concept — Following the Gay Umbrella began with the title phrase. I’ve showed you a picture of my gay umbrella before, probably in one of the earlier posts — you go find it, I’m way too lazy to search for it for you. Anyway, the concept was “a girl and her friends follow a magical umbrella she believes to be gay to an alternate dimension, where said umbrella works a bit like a compass for a reason unknown to them.” From there, the girl — Ada — and her friends started taking shape and personalities, and from there, their own dimension and then the alternate dimension and the alternate dimension’s quirky characters all appeared. I never create a world on its own — a world and characters must compliment each other, and I much rather build a world around characters than characters to fit a world.

Regaaardless. There’s some 31 chapters of Following the Gay Umbrella, nowadays, and countless pages of description and planning and character profiles etc. etc. etc. The problem I’m having with this novel is that I took a too long break from writing it — it’s such a huge and complicated project that I’ve completely lost track of it, and now find it incredibly hard to get back into writing it. And before that, the problem was that in building a world around how characters react, you sometimes miss the essence of the world — and in this case, this is exactly what has happened. I’ve created a world that my characters don’t always understand, and as a result, I don’t understand it either. This really isn’t good, and I struggle to keep writing about it, because I’m not really sure of what’s going on, either. The goal, right now, should be just to push this problem aside and just keep writing ’til the end of the novel, at which point I should read it through once more, annotate it and then try to make sense of what has happened. I strongly believe in figuring things out through exploring them further, and what’s a better way to explore than to just keep pushing forward? But I’m so busy with other things and other thoughts right now, that it’s unlikely that I’ll get into it in a while.

Shame. This one really looked promising.

The second novel that I’m KINDA working on began a year or two earlier than Following the Gay Umbrella, but gained its title only after I had stopped working on it. The problem with ‘Till Horizon Do Us Part is the fact that I started writing it in Finnish, and in the first person — meaning that the very language I used in writing it became the essence of its main character, Ruben. This wouldn’t perhaps be as problematic if there were as many characters in this one as there are in Following the Gay Umbrella, but ‘Till Horizon Do Us Part only has two main characters — Ruben and Angel. As with FTGU, THDUP (oh LOL) began with an idle thought: “what if an angel just randomly appeared on the doorstep of a skeptic, stubborn young man with his life and values pretty much figured out?” As you can see, the whole concept revolves around Ruben’s personality and the way in which Angel’s presence impacts upon his life, and so, translating it into English — since that’s the language I write in, nowadays; my grasp of Finnish has diminished greatly, recently — has become really difficult, since his personality is so… Finnish in nature.

I’ve got an idea for a third novel as well, again older than the aforementioned two, but that one is so rough and unrefined that I don’t really wanna talk about it further. Regardless, hopefully my life settles down a bit in this following year, and I can start working on my big projects again — as of now, I think it’s more beneficial for me and my novels if I just leave them be. I wouldn’t want to work on them half-assedly just out of some sense of obligation: I want to do it in a manner that honors my love for both of these budding stories.

I mean, I wouldn’t be much of a storyteller if I told a story I HAD TO, instead of a story I love, right?

If you guys have any questions about my projects, feel free to ask — I love talking about my babies. Just ask all the people who were around me when I was still working on one or two of these novels. :3 I bet they’re all sick of me and hearing about Angel, Ruby and the fellowship.

Peace and delightful stories, everyone.

She writes. Creatively.

Right. So you guys know how I claim to be a writer, right? Or at least someone interested in creative writing? And that I’ve been making vague mentions to the fact that I’m currently writing a novel — and that the very URL of this blog contains a reference to said novel (I haven’t told you about that? I have to remember to tell you about that)? I could go on to write a huuuuuge post about how scared I am that I’ve completely lost my muse, or at least could have, a few days ago — but I think that today kinda reminded me of the fact that with writing my novel, which requires a lot of coordination and trying to keep facts together and everything, because hey, the thing is (also) HUUUUUUGE, I’ve tried to make writing too methodical. Once upon a time, I’d just sit down and write about what I felt like — and today, I tried to do exactly that. This is pretty much exactly the sort of piece of writing that I’ve been pining to write for like half a year now — I’m so happy that it finally came out of my head and on, er, virtual paper, that I think I’ll actually share it with you.

Word of warning before I begin, though — it’s written, at least partially, for my significant other; hence it might be a little soft and squishy for people who aren’t into that sort of thing. Also, it’s the first thing I’ve written in a loooong while — constructive criticism or any sort of comment about it is always welcome. I titled this one “daydreaming”, but I think I might think of something better at some point. Without further ado…

The summer sun is shining upon her from the half-open blinds on the window beside to her, where she is sprawled on her creamy-coloured, soft couch. She is pliant, mellow and slightly drowsy from the warmth from the gentle rays of the sun and the great softness of her couch — her body is relaxed, with her head resting on a pillow, her short hair fanned as a halo around her head. She feels comfortable, curled up in her personal nest — safe from the currently forgotten woes of the frantic world. Her eyes are hooded and with a look far away, though with also a tell-tale smile curling at the corner of her mouth, giving her the air of peace and innocence. One of her arms hangs beyond the edge of the couch, her fingers occasionally brushing the hardwood floor in the slow rhythm of her breath. Beyond the window, the blue sky stretches around and above her, dotted and made more palpable by the soft tufts of white clouds floating in the horizon. Through another window, the clouds vanish and the blue of the sky seems endless and absurd, without a given scale understand the dimensions of the heavens above.

Idly, unconsciously shifting her weight on the couch, adjacent to the shift in the flow of her consciousness, she wonders whether the blue colour is borne of some very thin, unseen layer of the sky — of the atmosphere — or whether the blue is consistent through countless layers. With a small, concentrated frown, she tries to remember the count of the layers of the atmosphere — but shortly abandons this conquest, as another thought drifts into her mind. The frown is smoothed off her face, turning into a half-smile, her body relaxing further into her fancied nest, as she ponders of the depth of the atmosphere, its volume, the dimensions of its layers.

Then, after a moment of simply savoring the comfort of lying in the sun like this, peacefully, oh-so-comfortable, without a worry in her mind, her eyes glaze over and the smile melts off her face into an expression of wonder. Now, she raptly contemplates the beauty, brilliance and immortality of this blue phenomenon stretching above her, to the horizon and beyond. She savors the moment, an inexplicable mixture of emotion swelling in her heart, mixed with the expansion of her imagination of attempting to comprehend — but it is already gone, displaced by slight displeasure at scientists from all ages and times for having wrecked the beauty and mysticism of the sky by breaking it into an exact, neat little packet of knowledge. What the scientists often failed to understand… But she cannot muster the intensity of displeasure to form a coherent argument, instead dissolving back into her reverent celebration of beauty. Her eyes are wide open, now, her body slightly tense from excitement and loving worship, as her eyes sweep the canvas above, partially obscured by the blinds she hardly even notices. Oh, the poetic sky; its clouds, its magnificent winds and rain and thunder… Its stars.

Suddenly, she is enrapt in thought about the night sky beyond the blinding blue, thinking of the endlessly burning stars — though that’s not true, she concedes to herself, tilting her head with a small smile, her eyes falling closed and a tuft of hair drifting to tickle her nose: the stars that she is made breathless by on the stretch of the night sky, every night, through this very same window, are mostly dead, by now, or dying — that is how long their light takes to reach this magnificent piece of space-rock (she thinks, with a little giggle) that they call Earth. The immensity of the universe doesn’t frighten her, not in this moment, when nothing exists except for her, this couch, the sun, and the sounds of birds singing sleepily but inquisitively somewhere beyond the open door to her backyard — oh, and the green grass, and the trees, swaying gently in the breeze blowing past her, too, cooling her just sufficiently to keep her comfortable, and still so warm…

Not too long after, she has drifted peacefully asleep, her golden-haired head pillowed on her pale arms and with a satisfied smile on her face. That is how he finds her, and immediately breaks into a fond smile, for he knows — she’s been daydreaming again.

Just a quick note at the end: sorry about the rambling above. It’s kind of late now, and I’m tired, and all that up there was really half-formed thoughts. I might post later about the whole writing issue, but the main focus of this post was always going to be that short story, so don’t mind me too much~

And about the tag — I used to write fanfiction, and a common way to express something that’s too short to be a short story (my understanding of short stories is a little longer than people usually expect) and something that was mostly created on a sudden inspiration and in a small amount of time is called a “drabble.”

Love and peaceful sleep, everybody

It’s like a fruit salad, except sans fruit

Before I begin, I would like to share something AWESOME with you (and this here is a pause in which I accidentally go and take interest in other things on the net before I realise that I was making a blogpost, oops):

After seeing and laughing at this video last night some three times before I went to sleep has caused the peculiar effect that every time I think or say “awesome,” it’s now sung by that guy. I also know that I endorse consumerism on a grand scale by saying this (hey, what’s wrong with a little indulgence every now and then, anyway), but I really want this shirt. And, well, since I got the ball rolling, I also want this (Bite Me! is an awesome vampire comic, by the way, I definitely recommend checking it out — otherwise I wouldn’t be contemplating buying it, right?), this (and the season after that, too) and an assortment of other stuff, too. And I’m not entirely sure why I’m complaining about it instead of actually getting all this stuff — might be because I’m rather conscious of the fact that I don’t have a job at the moment and that I would probably have to use some of my money on schoolies and on other, unrelated summer activities.

Which will probably mean that, come summer, I will actually have to go back to work again. I was planning on turning down the job re-offer when the new place opens (I mean, we’ve been pretty much guaranteed a spot at the cinema I work at that closed around June for renovations, but I guess that you can’t always be too sure), but I might have to accept it instead. I’m pretty certain I’m going to get a new job next year anyway, but before I find one, I’ll have to stick with making popcorn, then selling it (while enduring complaints from people that it’s entirely too salty/expensive/something else) and then cleaning it off floors when people are unable to aim at their stupid mouths.

Ah, retail, how much I hate you.

Um. I had a whole lot more to squeal about, like, how much I loved that it was all sunshiney today and it smelled like spring again and EVERYTHING was flowering in trees and in grass and it was warm and pleasant and then there was the little girl on the bus who sat next to me and brightly talked about her Tinkerbell all the way from the stop at the mall to my stop — she was incredibly cute, even though I only understood a half or so of what she was saying. Oh God summer is so close and I can’t be bothered beginning to study for exams and I sure can’t wait ’till exams are over an I wish they were over now because SO MUCH EFFORT and ahhhh, at least summer is here soon, and I can wear t-shirts (woah, I totally re-read this bit just now and accidentally read “wet t-shirts” and I’m like NOW THERE’S A DIRTY GIRL) and other colourful stuff. And short shorts. Mwahaha. And flowy skirts. And no shoes.

I love summer. I can’t wait for summer. I want the exams to be over already so I don’t have to get stressed about them. D: I’ve been relatively un-stressed for these two days that have made this week, and since I’m not going to school tomorrow to be pestered by my literature and English teachers, tomorrow, I think, will be a stressless day, too — I’m really finding that I like this stresslessness, was what I was trying to say with that.

I’m kind of getting tired. Does it show?

Day 25: Your favourite part of yourself

My ability to speak languages, I suppose. I thought this would be a difficult one to answer, because there are lots of parts of me that I like, and lots of parts of me that I don’t — and sometimes the two different categories overlap for different reasons. I think I’ve expressed my distaste for questions like these before, the sort of picking out simple things about yourself and then evaluating them. I still don’t think that it’s necessarily possible to pick apart a human being and say what is most important about them, what makes them who they are (because, whatever I may say, I think I do like who I am). However, I think I can also safely say that what I think one of the cornerstones of myself is my ability to comprehend and learn different languages.

This is because I love writing, and like I’ve probably expressed plenty times before, I think that it’s essential for a good writer to know their chosen language forward, backward and then upside-down. My writing process always begins with a feeling or a meaning or a gist of something I want to express, wordless in my brain — most of my thoughts are wordless, really, and only sentiments, and hence can be expressed in all of my three languages — which will then be expressed by picking the right words to correspond the nuances of that idea or feeling or whatever it is that I’m writing down at that moment. I love being able to do that, and I love knowing all these words with their precise, subtle connotations that mean exactly what I want them to; I love understanding how to do all of that. I love writing clever little sentences and I love thinking about people reading them through again — never mind the language I’m writing in.

Now I just wish that I could do that verbally, too, but I suppose that no-one can do everything, right?

Day 26: A picture/description of one of your scars
Day 27: The most stupid picture you’ve ever seen

Riighty-o. I’m sorry that this post seems rambly and doesn’t appear to have a lot of substance at all — ironically enough, since I felt like today I would’ve actually had stuff to talk about. Well, one can’t really do anything about one’s tiredness, can one? I’ll just say “one” one more time to annoy you. Ha. One.

Peace and spring flowers, dearies~

This title was already here before I decided on it

Er, hi. I’m sure you know me, I’m the girl who runs this joint. … Yeah, no, I haven’t been around for a bit, but I can explain that one — you see, there were things that came up and … Ok, look, it doesn’t really even matter; I have toe-socks, and hence any argument you can present on the subject of me having to have posted in this blog instead of doing whatever it is that I have done last week (mostly very unexciting stuff anyway, like trying to not die and having vigorous moodswings) is invalid.

See? Totally compels anything you can propel at me. … Yeah, I’ve even descended to the realms of cheap humour.

Who am I kidding? I was in those realms to begin with, ha! So, hi. I’m back now. And I’m going to pretend that last week didn’t happen, blog-wise, incidentally — because I find that when I’m feeling somewhat calm (if tired; but that might be because I didn’t sleep overly much on the weekend and DID sleep well last night, ironically and incredibly annoyingly enough, since I had to get up this morning and it was ANNOYING; maybe I could try to trick some sleep into me by telling my body that I have to get up at seven on a morning when I can sleep in after all, huh) and un-stressed, I don’t exactly want to begin doing something that might bring that back upon me. I’m going to do the daily challenges probably on a day-to-day basis from here on, again, but I won’t account for any lost days. Sorry! And welcome back, by the way.

Last week was both eventful and uneventful. There were many SACs and a practice exam from English — the latter of which was actually a pleasant surprise for me. I’ve never before been able to plan and write three full essays in three hours (and I even had half an hour to spare!), and I was kind of worried about that, to be honest. I suppose that you really don’t know what you can do before you try… It’s weird how, even when you haven’t done it before, somehow your mind (or at least mine does) accommodates to the present circumstances and copes with them, if only you have enough skill to pull it off. So weeeird. I don’t know if this is common for a human being, but I’ve rather recently (meaning in the past few years or so) become increasingly aware of how many things I actually do subconsciously. My discoveries almost frighten me, because it seems as if consciously, there is precious little I can do — whereas my subconscious is probably the most brilliant thing that exists on this planet.

So this is totally an exaggeration, but so what? I like my subconscious (ha, I just totally wrote “subsconscious” — I suppose that that scone I ate today totally left an impression on my brain as it did in my stomach [and my tastebuds, my dear GOD], too), and I also like finding out things that my subconscious had already figured out far later. Does anyone else do that — like, totally have this massively awesome solution to a problem, go back to whatever it is that they were having problems with and realise that, without actually noticing it, they had already begun applying the solution to the problem? I do this in writing SO MUCH that I don’t really even pay attention to it anymore.

Who am I kidding, it’s so fucking freaky that of course I pay attention to it all the time, probably fail and rant at my amused significant other for a while, after which he pats me on the shoulder and tells me that he knew it was going to happen all along. Seriously, this happened with one of my characters, in my novel (which I haven’t been writing for aaaages, but then again, I haven’t been doing much fun stuff for ages, either). Somewhere around chapter 20-ish, I had the abrupt realisation that he was gay (just a bit of background information: this wouldn’t be necessarily a surprising thing, considering that this is me, and I’ve been a major fan of slash [google it, I dare you], though it’s kind of dying now; however, I wasn’t necessarily PLANNING on making the guy gay, since I already have Dee, who is as omnisexual as can be). This was before my significant other had stopped reading the new chapters of my novel, and he just smiled at me and said “oh, I saw that one coming.” And it’s not a one-off thing, either: I look at some of the other things that I’ve decided to implement only later in the novel, then go back to some of the earlier chapters and realise that I was dropping hints about it along the way.

It is MASSIVELY freaky, and simultaneously incredibly awesome. That thing they say about stories writing themselves? SO TRUE.

Speaking of which, I’ve left myself a note in my phone asking for me to write a blog-post about language and sentence-structure. Since I’m feeling kind of happy and light-hearted today, I don’t think I’ll launch into a full discussion about what language means to me and how much I love it, but I might mention how much it annoys me every time my English teachers ask me to write shorter sentences. In fact, the whole premise of the English exam annoys me for the same reason. The best example to explain this is probably to use the context task (remember that essay I posted? That same task). The task is to write a piece reflecting on your ideas and viewpoints on the prompt by using “big ideas” from one of the texts we’ve studied specifically for this task in English. However, that’s not really the gist of the task — the gist of the task is to make it incredibly clear that you are a good writer and you have clear, understandable ideas; and, of course, to make it relatively easy to follow your logic. This infuriates me, because sometimes I feel like I somehow have to dumb down my ideas — or make them “more complex” deliberately, because saying stuff like “everything is real” is too simple for this task, as is grouping every nuance of a reality under one simple banner  (which is something I am wont to do). Anyway, this means that I’m not allowed to express myself as I would LIKE to express myself, or to the extent that I’m able to express myself.

Along the same lines, my writing style uses a lot of long sentences and brackets (as I’m sure you’ve noticed), because that’s how I think — I think in looong thoughts, beginning at one point and then following through, sometimes making notes on the way, to the logical end of that sentence. Sometimes I let the sentence run long only because it would sound … the opposite of fluent (what the hell is that, anyway?) if I just cut it off there. I’ve always been taught that long, complex sentences are a sign of a good writer — though I do agree that if all sentences are long, the whole thing might be rather difficult to follow, and that less experienced writers (hell, I do it sometimes, too; and I’m not really _THAT_ experienced — I’m just saying as a general rule, not compared to myself) can’t always pull it off coherently.

Eh, well. What can you do?

Ok, I noticed that I’ve answered Day 21′s prompt and added that to the beginning of the previous post just to notify of the filling of that. I also decided I’m skipping Day 22, because I’ve got no very old picture of me on this computer, and I REALLY cannot be bothered booting my pc up for the sake of one blogpost (and I still want to go play Kingdom Hearts: BBS for at least an hour before I go to bed and pass out).

Day 23: Three things you want to do before you die

I suppose that this is another one of those prompts that ask you to be all epic and reveal all the grand masterplans you have for life — but like you saw in the whole prompt that I described the apartment I want to live in (day 10, I think — I’m not sure), I don’t exactly have any really cool plans for my life. And that’s really the way I like it — I don’t want to visualise this epic life for me, who really doesn’t want it. I’ve never wanted to be an astronaut, though I’ve loved looking up at the stars and studying the constellations. Well, that’s not entirely true, when you talk about it as a metaphor: I do have a lot of ambition, but I think that most of that ambition actually stems from my understanding of my own skill; I believe that there is much that I can do, and since I have the ability, I also have the partial responsibility to do as well as I can. Also, there is a certain satisfaction you get from succeeding…

But that wasn’t the prompt at all. Three things I would like to do before I die… I want to go back to our summer cottage in Finland, because that’s one place that I miss, back at the freezing country with its even colder people. Sometimes you need to surround yourself with nature, and I find the Finnish forests and lakes beautiful and well-suited for that task. Plus, I associate that place with warm summer rain, summer vacation, saunas, peace, midnight sun (oh GOD I miss that — it seems like the summers here aren’t just quite light enough)… pokémon, oddly enough. It’s just somewhere that I like and want to be.

A second thing I’d like to do before I die.. I suppose that I’d really like to publish a book. I just love it when people read what I write and tell me what they think about what I write, even if they don’t necessarily think too highly of it. I love to share what I’ve made, just so that I can see people reflect it, and… Hell, I just really like it when they come to me and tell that they’ve read what I’ve wrote. I’m not exactly certain what it is about that that I really like, but meh.

Oh, the third thing is probably far simplest — I want to own a cat. In the coming years, this space might become occupied by “I want a child”, but as of yet, I’m not quite ready to think that sorts of thoughts. I’d be fine with a kitty-cat. Do want. Stupid allergic sister & mother.

(I’m skipping 24, because it’s another photo-prompt, and I already know I’d just make up some excuse not to do it)

 
Day 25: Your favourite part of yourselfDay 26: A picture/description of one of your scars

 

Holy mother of pineapple but that became a lengthy post. I’m sorry. I suppose I had a lot more stuff to say than I thought, when I finally got the ball rolling.

I’m sure you all missed me terribly, and won’t mind, hee.

 

Love and orange-flavoured lollipops to everyone~

A tired play that takes place in my brain

At this point in time, I’m seriously beginning to think if I’ve somehow “calibrated” my sleeping times in a pattern that comes, not only after 10 pm (seriously, precisely quarter to ten, my body begins going “oh, it’s almost ten, we can start relaxing now — unless I’ve been to the gym, that is), but immediately after school, too. This was SO not the first — not even the FIFTH time in which I’d come home from school, eaten lunch (because I even had a short day!) and then thought that I’d relax a bit in bed by reading Cracked (ok, I understand that it’s beginning to get pretty much pimping right now, but I really, really, really love Cracked) before heading to do some hardcore math and chemistry homework, for my plan to be foiled by my drooping eyelids, difficulty to focus on what I’m reading and the eventuality of falling asleep.

To understand my bewilderment, you have to consider what I revealed in my previous post: even the Goddamned lunar cycle makes me sleep worse, which means that I’m an incredibly light sleeper with a super-efficient bodyclock that has the incredibly annoying tendency of waking me up some ten minutes before my alarm goes off. Also, I wake up to the softest sounds and never have to be shaken awake, if I know I have to be somewhere the next day. And I don’t sleep in cars or planes or anything that moves, unless there’s some sort of a horizontal plane that I can use and if it’s quiet and dark. This aforementioned piece of information about not sleeping in moving vehicles became especially bitchy to me during the, what, 30 hour (including the times we spent waiting on assorted airports) flight from Helsinki, Finland to Melbourne. I think I slept like 4 hours during that entire span of time, and that was only with a pillow on those tray things that you lower from the backrest in front of you, me bent over it all weirdly and in pain after it.

So, I’m quite at a loss as to why I’ve suddenly began to crave sleep as drastically as I have. At this moment (with my eyes still pointing in separate directions and my brain feeling like the slow mass of grey goo that it is [very good time for updating my blog, isn't it?]), I felt as if it could’ve been my subconscious complaining about the dreariness that is the routine that I’ve been subjecting it to for the past countless weeks. Like this:

Me: [Goes through weeks with only doing anything apart from schoolwork and occasional chats with her Significant Other on one day of the weekend; otherwise procrastinates by reading Cracked.com, an assortment of other websites, and does her homework like the good little fuck she is.]

Brain: BRAIN NO LIKE MONOTONE. BRAIN DEMAND ACTIVITY. [Awaits for some change maliciously]

Me: [Is rather oblivious to the demands of Brain, and hence continues with the dreary, exhaustingly boring routine]

Brain: BRAIN GAVE YOU WARNING AS PER USER AGREEMENT. BRAIN TAKE ACTION NOW. [Angrily and abruptly ceases all activity]

Me: Blblblblgrbl? [Falls asleep]

But then again, considering the amount of learning and activity that I am actually forcing my brain to do, actively, every day — with all of my subjects, really — the absorbing of new information and feverishly trying to remember at least the main idea of old lessons and still trying to keep thinking about the plot of Inception and witty comebacks to pseudo-assholes at school, it would be perfectly reasonable if the scenario went more like this:

Me: [Constantly learns a lot of new things and goes back to revise old things, and while she seems to be resting at certain points by, for example, reading Cracked.com, she is really reading fascinating notions about pop culture and, well, culture in general, which make her generate her own opinions about it and consider the different aspects of those; etc.]

Brain: [Wheezing] Brain… can’t — do it! Brain not very good multi-tasker; Brain need time to sort it all out. Brain fascinated, but getting a little scared! [Rushes off to put out a sudden fire in one of the overflowing archives, looking distressed]

Me: [Is somewhat aware of Brain's pickle, and feels sorry for it; but keeps on reassuring herself and Brain that there's only so much of it left and after that, they'll embark on a lovely intellectual adventure where stimulus will be specific and hand-picked]

Brain: BUT BRAIN CAN’T DO NO MOOOORE! [Throws a tantrum, begins sobbing and takes an axe to the bleeping dashboard thingy]

Me: Bbhhhh– [Falls asleep]

Either way, it’s some four hours ’till my sleepy-time, and I still haven’t begun doing any of my math and Chemistry homework. It’s relatively alright, because the chem homework due date was shifted forward to Friday — and yet, I’m feeling rather skeptical for my physical & mental status on thursday afternoon, since I’m already falling asleep on bloody tuesday afternoon. Oh GOD but I am in need of a holiday. On the summer holiday, in which there won’t be any homework, this’ll be my brain activity:

Me: [Engages in pleasantly stimulating leisure activities whenever the fuck she wants, changing activities when the older one becomes unnecessarily boring]

Brain: [Excited] Ooh ooh ooh Brain want read now! Brain want beach now! Brain can’t decide — can read on beach now?

Me: [Smiling slightly, obliges to Brain's wishes]

[EVERYONE lives happily ever after]

*sighs* I can’t WAIT. But before that — I am so sorry, Brain — there’ll be a hell of a lot more studying and revision and practice and doing questions after questions after questions, and oh God that report SAC on Ethene production that is due in in less than two weeks’ time that I have no clue how long it will take…!

Day 14: Your favourite book

I like this question. As you may have realised by now, I have a sort of a passion with writing and reading. Sadly, I haven’t been able to do much at all of the latter, and very little of the prior that has nothing to do with schoolwork or this blog (but at least the blog keeps my creative demons from howling and rattling their cages too much), this year — that’s for perfectly understandable reasons. Also, I try not to agitate my brain further by giving it “useless” information to digest, along with the things it NEEDS to know for the exams around November. It was a sort of similar situation last year, and hence my bookcases — there’s three of them — have been collecting all these books that I haven’t yet had a chance to read. Below, you can see a picture of my bookcases (there’s actually three individual ones of them), a TV that is not connected to anything and random crap that I have stored there (the picture in the lowest right shelf is the “evolution of me”, as visualised by a friend of mine), and my books (yes that is the Twilight series — I USED to like it [but never thought it a literary wonder, mind you], got sick of the hype and now refer to it when intellectually discussing the Twilight series and its merits and faults): 133 to date. Some of them are missing, as they’re scattered around my room, and at least one is in my sister’s room. MOVING ON.

Lookatit ;3

For as long as I’ve had at least 75% of the brain power I harness today (well, not so much to say about that, after explaining why the hell I’m developing some sort of a mild case of narcolepsy), I’ve refused to name my favourite book. There are so many different books out there that speak of so many different things, in so many different styles that explain things in so many different ways that offer so many different opinions and revelations — it just seems sort of blasphemy to pick one out of all of them and parade that around and say “this is what is most important to me, because it’s most awesome of them all.” I may be exaggerating what the whole concept of a favourite book entails, but that’s how it comes across for me. In fact, in relation to the context essay thing that I posted yesterday, I might add that the reading experience of each book becomes significantly enriched by the books you’ve read before that. Prior knowledge and understanding of language and ideas and how storytelling works, for example, give you a heightened insight to how some clever author is attempting to bring his/her ideas across.

And that is why you don’t give university-level novels/other works of writing to high school-level students, bloody VCAA.  No matter how intelligent we are, we won’t have the necessary skills/experience to actually pick all of that apart.

But I do freely admit that I have favourite authors. As with music, my favourite authors are simply authors from whom I can read any books or other bodies of writing and enjoy them all almost equally. It doesn’t necessarily mean that I like their books more than I like the stray book from another author that I have liked a lot and placed in my bookshelves, but it means that whenever these selected authors publish new books, I am thrilled and excited and hardly ever disappointed. These authors, who have gained a special shelf in my bookcases, are Robert A. Heinlein, Neil Gaiman and Mika Waltari (a great Finnish author — and, incidentally, the only Finnish author that I like, to date). Check out any of them — I personally think they’re rather awesome.

Day 15: A movie that made you cry
Day 16: Something you’ve procrastinated about

Yep, that’s the sound of me heaving a huge sigh and helplessly glancing toward my math books, so peacefully lying on my bed. How darling they look when they’re closed like that! And what horrors those seemingly innocent, blue covers hold within them! Wish me luck; I hope I’ll still be alive when the schedule for sleeping rolls in, eh?

Peace and mushrooms (have I wished that already? I think I may have); take care of yourselves, and don’t get hit by a lighting. That’d just suck. Or be awesome. Regardless. Don’t do it.

It’s mine, by the way — that’s (always) the right answer

Before I go on with today’s ACTUAL post, I thought that now is time good enough as any to prove to any hypothetical (or real — how should I know, I’ve been watching/thinking too much about Inception) readers that I actually do write some things other than my blog. Today’s pasting will consist of an essay — wait, don’t nod off just yet, it’s not actually an ESSAY in the traditional sense of things-you-could-have-said-in-two-sentences — that we’ve been working on for in English. It’s remarkable mainly because of its philosophical context — the English assessors of VCE decided, some two years ago, that the English exam is too easy and thus included this part that is called “context”, where they sometimes indicate an exact context for your piece of writing (i.e. an article in a newspaper online), but mainly only give you a prompt based on the broad topic of “Whose reality.” Yep, “whose reality.”

Anyway, I’m writing in italics so you wouldn’t confuse what I write in the essay with this preface crap. I also wanted to say that what I am about to post is in no way a polished piece of writing — this was written when I was half-conscious and within a period. There’s a lot in it that I would edit and move around and add and clarify, if I had time, but I was proud enough of the idea in itself that I thought “aw, what the hell, let’s just post it online.”

The prompt, and the response, respectively:

You are writing an article on ‘Whose Reality’ for a school anthology. Explore the prompt ”Everything you can imagine is real.” Pablo Picasso.

As someone who enjoys creative writing, I am often offended at people who insult my imagination. ”Your characters aren’t real, you know?” they tell me, when I gush over some exciting confrontation or exchange between characters in one of my stories, ”You’ve just thought them up.” I am similarly offended by other creative writers, who tend to become pessimistic after reading works of other authors: ”Everything’s done already; the only way you can make a difference is to have a coherent and original execution of a used idea.” I do not agree with either of these statements, and I do not think that any competent creative writer should agree with them, either. I firmly believe that everything every writer, or otherwise creative person, manages to imagine, is real.

I have been asked to write for this anthology, as it is widely known by my fellow students and my teachers alike that I enjoy writing. To those who are closest to me, it is also clear — sometimes painfully so — that I am an extremely sensitive human being, who cannot always cope with what I see society to have deemed to be real. The pressure of schoolwork and the expectations I and my peers set on me are oftentimes difficult to deal with. Since forever, I have used creative writing as an escape from ”reality” — as something I can turn to when I cannot otherwise banish some worries out of my mind. However, this is not to say that I hence thrust reality aside and submerge myself in make-believe. Of course, the things that I write are not corporeal, which seems to be many person’s definition for ”real” in a world of skeptics. ”If I cannot see or touch it, it does not exist.” But, I say, consider the creative process: to be a sufficient creative writer, one has to have experienced a certain amount of things during their life. This is because a writer can only draw from their own experience, their own sentiments and their own thoughts; it is possible to plagiarise the views and values of other authors, but for experienced readers and writers, the difference is obvious. In other words, this would mean that everything ”surreal” that a writer creates somehow has its roots in the ”real” world. Many writers would object to such a claim, saying that what they create are truly original pieces — consider Neil Gaiman, for example, whose style resembles the twisted oddness of fairytales. There is nothing real in those stories, are there? Well, no, I will admit glady, the primary plot cannot happen in this world with its laws of physics and all — however, the inspiration for those stories may have come from a real conversation between two real people, or maybe a long walk in the woods. Considering where the ”surreal” stories of many authors came from is almost sufficient in itself to blur the lines between what is real and what is not, is it not?

To me, each and every character I have ever created is as real as myself. During the course of history, human beings have — ever since the ancient civilisations — been fascinated with the concept of a soul. Even in modern times, when we know, rather much in detail, how the human body functions and how our brains send signals to our other organs to keep the whole functioning, we remain just as clueless to the concept of oneself. This is very relevant in this discussion in the sense that one’s reality and one’s sense of self are very strongly connected — as one can only believe things real that one knows are real, oneself. Differing opinions on reality are caused by the differing senses of self we have; and as priorly stated, it is still a mystery as to the source and function of this sense of self. While it may be difficult to explain to someone who does not know the joys or the sorrows of creative writing, or even to one that practices it but believes characters only tools of the plot, it is very possible that imaginary characters become extensions of one’s self. Though I attempt to consciously avoid it, I have recently found that it is not possible to create a character who does not consist of at least parts of what you know or consider to be your very self. This is for the very reason I explained in the previous paragraph: a writer can only draw from one’s own experiences, and since one’s experiences shape one’s opinions and perceptions to form one’s sense of self, this means that a writer, when creating, always draws from oneself. It is not to be said that this process is always conscious — in fact, I am rather against the notion. Like I mentioned before, I oftentimes attempt to consciously avoid creating characters that replicate aspects of me, as a human being — but when looking back at a whole score of them, it is hardly ever possible. Even when you believe to be creating something entirely new and fascinating; even when you experience the rush of two plotlines running seamlessly together because of a major revelation or idea you had, the solution has likely been with you all along, deep within your subconscious. It could be said that creative writing is every bit as real as taking a walk in a park — if even more so, for in taking a walk in a park you are influencing your reality with new observations and forcing it to shape to these observations, whereas in creative writing, you reach deep inside and explore what is and has always been there.

As a writer always draws from influences to themselves, it is wrong to say that each and every story has been written already. If I loathe the comments that some inconsiderate people give me when feeling a sort of anguish because of something that has happened to one of my characters because of some twist in my story, I harbor an even deeper hatred for anyone pessimistic enough to announce that there is no possible story that I can write that will not have been ”done already.” Usually these people will be ones who read or have read many, many books within their lifetimes — a few students that I have talked to, for example, and maybe a few teachers. It is their reasoning that all ideas have somehow been used, and subconsciously, anyone who writes will draw on the ideas of authors whose books they have read, and simply rewrite them in their own words. However, in saying so, they also forget that reading is an exercise of interpretation. It is shocking how often English students will argue their heads off in English classes about what motive a character had or what the significance of the setting is; it is surprising how few acknowledge that everybody’s interpretation is an equally valid one. For example, in my very own English class, we had a Great Debate which consisted on a few strongly opinionated girls in the class, arguing, in a rather feministic tone, that Tennessee Williams’ character in A Streetcar Namerd Desire, Stella, is a stupid hen for staying with her abusive husband. They called her meek, submissive and cowardly for not standing up to her husband or leaving the marriage, as Blanche would have wanted her to. I find this a perfectly valid interpretation, though I, myself, would have considered in a way that Stella’s view on reality had widened with her experiences of the lower class — she was now more aware of how average relationships functioned in this part of the world (see Eunice and Steve’s explosive relationship, for example), and she had grown to accept it. In my eyes, Stella was never meek and submissive, but rather chose to accept the facts and still love her husband, despite what Blanche said of him — this is most plain in how Stella never contradicted Blanche’s claims of Stanley’s violence. As you can see, there are two different interpretations — two different realities — at play here, each of them every bit as valid as the other, as our English teachers are so very keen on telling us. And as reading is an exercise of interpretation, even if a writer draws on the ideas of another author, they will emerge having gone through the interpretation and the filter of perception of the writer, hence making them new ideas, new creations and new interpretations. Everything I write is my own, whether or not it is a realisation borrowed from another author or an amazingly philosophical friend. We, as human beings, constantly draw from our environment, and it is natural for us — why should we hence be told off for doing it?

As you can see, determining what exactly is real and what is not, even in the terms of the ”imaginary” isn’t exactly as easy as you would think it would be. However, it is not as difficult as this lengthy exploration would have wanted to express it to be, either. In fact, my beliefs on what is real and what is not in terms of imagination can be summarised very briefly: whatever you believe in is real, as long as you believe in it. At the moment you stop believing in it, it ceases being real, for your self has made it surreal to you. In other words, if you believe it a part of your self, your soul, it is very real to you. No-one else’s opinions or interpretations should matter to you, for it is your reality — however, please do remember that interpretations do differ, and that the person reading the same story will not always agree with you on what is real; remember, that their reality is just as real as yours, too. A simple rule: everything is real.

My teacher said that my central idea is too simple. Everything can’t possibly be real. What do you think? Drop me a line ;)

The love for balloons — I mean, friends — and a bunch of other stuff

This is pretty much what things looked like in our house yesterday — and in fact, to be completely honest, they still kind of do. I’ve just been too tired as of yet to clear away the previously-floating, Helium-filled balloons from around the house for three separate reasons: a) I didn’t go to sleep very early on saturday night, b) I was woken up by a mean, figurative little badger who had a fascination for tearing bedclothes away from the bed in a freezing room to wake you up on sunday morning and c) I really like balloons, and I will like them to stay where they are for as long as they will.

Leftover cake (which we had for breakfast on that sunday morning — the only reason that I’ve forgiven this figurative badger), and sad helium balloons that are now making close contact with the ground — one would think there had been a party here!

And there was, indeed. I could say a whole lot about it, but it would all get a little bit more personal that I’m perfectly comfortable with on the internet and everything — besides, it was one of those things that you just had to experience, to know what it was really like. There just isn’t words enough — and that’s why writers have to go out and experience lots of things before they can write awesome books, you see? :3

Anyway, what I will say about that party is that it related very much to the two prompts that I missed on saturday and sunday, because of this party and then because of the resulting tiredness of a short night’s sleep: “something that makes you smile” and “someone who makes you really happy” for days five and six, respectively. Essentially, you see, this entire night was about my significant other (I know that I talk about him a lot, and that I may seem a little clingy to some people who will only know me through these posts — and trust me, I seem even more clingy when it comes to reality; however, if you know anything about me and where I come from and what I’ve been through rather recently, you’d say that I deserve a bit of support and love and clinginess, so I’m not even going to be concerned about the picture I give, here) proving to me how loved I am. There was this whole thing where he tried to chase down some of my friends from Finland to get their greetings on video — and he did chase one of them down, and that was most awesome, because they showed the DVD when everybody was watching and my darling friend spoke all in Finnish and I don’t know why it was so awesome but it was <3. And and and oh, I really loved how I had threatened people on the invitation on how we will play the music _I_ like, for once (which, if you haven’t yet guessed, is mostly symphonic & power metal, with some exceptions), and in the end, a lot of them didn’t seem to mind it — or seemed to like it.

I hang out with a bunch of cool peeps, I swear. :3

But most awesome of all was perhaps the fact that they had all gone and gotten me started one of those Pandora bracelet things, which looks like this:

Isn’t it just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen? It is so sweet of them to have gone and done this for me, it’s so… just… moving. I feel so loved. And I should: I am, I know.

But that’s probably enough about me gushing over how awesome it is to have friends this awesome (I’m just really not used to it — I’m the sort of a person who will not make many friends, but who will have a few who will stick with me through the years, like the two of my best friends who I’ve known since grade 3). In other news, I finished writing the draft for that Literature creative response writing task thing that I MAY have spoken about before — the one where I had to write a creative response (well, duh) to Pat Barker’s Regeneration. As it is, I don’t like it overly much — it’s a fairly generic war response thing, and not really replicating Barker’s style or anything in a very significant way. But I suppose that it reflects some of the themes of the novel, even if it leaves the most important duty vs. ethics one out — oops, it does, doesn’t it, I only just realised that… Well, I should probably get around to fixing that on at least wednesday, when we’re supposed to write out a final copy. I’m not expecting it to be anything glorious, because I simply haven’t had enough time to work on it as much as I would’ve wanted to, but seeing how useless a subject Literature has turned out to be, I really don’t mind.

Ah, and the weather has turned from horrible to moody — I think it’s gone from blue skies to rainy at least four times today. I got to use my umbrella twice, but I didn’t get my toes wet! Aw, and I lost my scarf around friday (ha, seriously, that shows you just how tired I’ve been: I have no idea how that happened, only that in the beginning of the day, I had it, and at the end of it, I didn’t), so my neck has kind of been freezing: I forecast some serious headaches because of these monstrous shoulders of mine. Aaaand what else… OH, I listened to this French podcast, and I didn’t get most of it. 8D I’m getting kind of panicked about the whole oral exam again, because it’s in October and that’s kind of behind the corner already. In fact, this whole school situation seems surreal: my last French SAC (School Assessed Task, just a test that contributes to our final score in a lesser measure than the exams, it’s a sort of cumulative score) is next week, I only have one math SAC and one English SAC left — and two each of chemistry (one of them is a take-home report thing, though) and lit (one of which is the creative that we’re supposed to have finished on wednesday). It’s almost the end of my high school education — I can’t believe it!

Or, well, yes I can, considering how stressed I’m beginning to get again, and how far (five weeks, so 24 days of school) the next “study break” (read: holiday that our tyrannical coordinator person doesn’t want us to call a holiday, because we’re never supposed to have any fun as long as we’re in HIS school) is.

I was considering answering another prompt, but I suppose that I’ve been rambling on and boring you for long enough as it is. I’ll just either answer two tomorrow or skip one or just stretch 35 days out to 36 — maybe you won’t kill me, right? These are the ones that are coming up:

Day 07: Something that turns you on
Day 08: Your favourite fruit

But what if my favourite fruit turns me on? D;

Peace, potatoes and leftover cake <3

The one with metal fans, balloons and umbrellas

So, my mood has steadily declined from the deliriously bubbly earlier today, mainly because of the fact that I’ve been doing chemistry for the entire afternoon & evening, and my wrist hurts like a bitch right now. It couldn’t even be some cool theory stuff, no, but all this explanation about different types of energy, that I’ve been doing since, uh, ninth grade, I think. It was interesting and everything, but there was too much of it, and too much writing.

And then I banged my elbow twice to something, because my upper body was jealous of the damage that I did to my toes this morning.

BUT then I thought that I might cheer myself up by keeping my promise and picking up my camera; it produced a photo like SO:Look how it floats~

Hee, yes, this is the beloved b’loon that my mother brought home with her, to my delight. Oh, and also the weirdly clinically-looking hallway-thingy of my house. … I really don’t know what else to say about it, except that it’s a b’loon and hence it must be awesome. Speaking of which, mother came in just a few moments ago, looking for the other bag of balloons that she was supposed to fill with helium later. I suppose I’m not the only one who loses things easily…

BUT what I thought that was far more important than this picture of the balloon, delightful as it is, was the picture of my gay umbrella. This is him (on the pile of stuff that is the bed I sleep on):

Shiny~

There’s somewhat of a story behind the acquisition and hence the name of the umbrella. I think I found him at Dangerfield, some time last winter, when we were shopping at Westfield with this Swedish girl who has hence moved back into Sweden. Of course, I’m a sucker for any sorts of colours and I was actually looking for an umbrella, since I didn’t have one and it was, at the time, raining quite heavily outside — and then I spotted this one, a rainbow of an umbrella, and of course I had to have him (I hope that my referring to inanimate objects like people isn’t freaking you out). And, of course, due to its colouring and the positive feelings both I and said Swedish girl have for homosexuals, he had to be gay.

And there’s more to it than just that — I really early became fond of pointing the umbrella at directions before walking there, because it’s just that sort of an umbrella. At one point, when aforementioned Swede was with me, I pointed it at a direction, grinned and said “let’s follow the gay umbrella, eh?” to which she remarked that it sounded curiously like some title for a novel. Being the writer I am, this struck me, and I had the idea for the novel that is still, after more than 200,000 words and slightly more than 30 chapters “under construction,” under the title of “Following the Gay Umbrella.” It’s weird where the smallest seeds of ideas get us, isn’t it?

The gay umbrella, too, has become an increasingly important part to the plot of my dearest novel-child, to the extent where if I told you, I would have to kill you — I mean, if I told you, that would be totally spoiling the story, and though I’ve spoiled it from at least two people who might want to read it at some point, I wouldn’t want to do that, would I now? Anyway, only thinking about him makes me incredibly excited, so mind the post for a while while I go bounce around my balloon in a weird sort of ritualistic dance.

Now that I’m done with that, let’s go back to the whole 35 days thing.

Day 03: Three concerts you would have wanted to/want to attend.

Three concerts? At the moment, since I’ve been following Nightwish’s camp diary thing with insanity in my eyes, all three slots are taken by some sort of fictional Nightwish concerts that will only begin taking place after their new album will have come out — which will be, I think, around the Australian spring of 2011, if even later than that. No-one knows, yet! Or, well, I suppose that the band itself will know, but that’s not really relevant to my point. I’ve seen Nightwish live once, and that was 1.1.2008, and that was pretty insanely rad. After that, I wondered why I had never really been to any concerts/gigs/things before D;

Which kind of sucked, since then we moved to Australia and the concerts from that particular genre of music I listen to seem pretty few and far between around here. Sonata Arctica, I think, came down at some point, but it was a small, 18+ gig at a time when I wasn’t just yet 18. That would’ve been pretty cool to have attended, I’m sure. Then there’s bands like Disturbed, After Forever and Epica that would be, uh, pretty epic to see live — and bands like Poets of the Fall that just kind of make me cry like a waterfall without really trying, and even though I’m not sure how much I’d like them live (they’re the sorts of things you just listen at home to yourself; and I’ve seen some recordings of their concerts, they seem kind of awkward and too poppy on stage — probably because they ARE technically pop), I’d have to go just to show my appreciation.

My final answer, though? Nightwish, Nightwish, and Nightwish.

Can you tell?

Day 04: Four moments that changed your life
Day 05: Something that makes you smile

Want to be huge metal fans (or anything else — I’m so much more than just a huge metal fan [now to make an incredibly terrible "I can be anything you want me to be" joke]) with me? This is how you do it:

  1. READ POST
  2. LEAVE COMMENT
  3. ????????????????
  4. PROFIT

Whirled peas. n_n

You can’t do what you don’t burn for

Unless some of my nonexistent readers (I know, I know, same old complaint and everything, but I’ll start believing I have readers when I start getting indications = comments from them, damn it!) haven’t already noticed, I’ve had a bit of a slump in motivation with, well, pretty much everything — but centering primarily on writing.

I mean, after those 158,388 magical words I wrote in November, I only barely even reached for the 45k line in December, and it’s already the 14th of January and I have written a grand total of (short pause when she whips out the calculator — scratch that, retrieves the calculator from the kitchen [don't ask] – and checks a few numbers) 1,867 words.

Meaningless whining aside, I’d like to go on a tangent here about keeping track of how much one has written by seeing how many words one has managed to type up. Let’s put it this way: if someone had told me some year or so ago that I would soon pay close attention to just how many words I jot down and check my word count feverishly every time I finish a long paragraph, I would have been offended. I mean, no way would I ever place quantity over quality like that! Sure, writing up one page might take more than a while, but at least it’s good-quality text, right?

At one count, this past-day me is right. Most of the to-be thirty chapters I’ve written for the novel I am currently writing will be poorly constructed purple prose which may take odd tangents (please, you know me, and you know these bracket-comments I keep putting in, how is it possible for me not to go on a tangent) and courses I never designed them to take, just because I’m writing too fast to register what exactly I’m saying. Pretty much like that last sentence, I actually have no clue of what I was going to say there, but I think the gist was that speed and quantity does not replace quality on any level.

However, there are advantages to the speedy, lower-quality sort of approach I have been, through the guidance of NaNoWriMo, been taking with my novel. For one, I will have a first draft done so much faster than I would have had it done if I were to take my traditional approach — hell, if I had taken my traditional approach to this one, I doubt I would even have finished the 50k required to win NaNoWriMo!

I’m not trying to say that I’m typing this draft fast only to get it done and out of the way (though if I’m perfectly honest with myself, there’s this other novel I’m really itching to write, and I really can’t write it if I’m writing another one — because I promised myself, ok), but also what Chris Baty, the creator of the wonderful (Inter)National Novel Writing Month said: “You can’t revise a blank page to anything but a blank page.” (or something along those lines, I can’t remember exactly…)

And this very indirectly brings me back to my original topic of discussion. This all sounds so good and grand and everything, but even low-quality and high-quantity work requires a lot of, yes, work. I remember sitting at my computer for something like five hours straight, typing up these scenes and hoping to finish a chapter before I had to go to bed — because if I didn’t, then I’d just have to stay up and finish it, and start a bit of the next one, because the one thing I learnt is that you do not, ever finish at the end of a chapter, because then starting again will be very, very difficult. I remember raving about my novel and updating my facebook status with my wordcount, my twitter status with my wordcount, and oftentimes a clever sentence I had just written up. I remember being ridiculously proud when I first reached 50,000, then a 100,000 and then 150,000…

And I miss those feelings. Lately, writing this novel has become a chore. I mean, surely I had my hard times in November: self-doubt and then self-loathing, and then just hating and being bored of my story and almost hoping it would go away and disappear so that I wouldn’t have to worry about it so much, but somehow I always managed to pull through. Right now, thinking back, I’m not sure how I did that.

Or, well, I wasn’t sure. Today, when thinking along the usual lines of “mph, I should be writing, can’t be bothered, have better and lazier things to do, snerk,” I was reminded of the fact that, well, you can’t write something that doesn’t light you on fire. It’s impossible to have the sort of determination to reach 150,000 words and over in a month, with school and exams and everything, unless there’s a serious sort of fire that keeps pushing you on there — that fire that keeps you rooted to your seat for hours on end, just typing away and blissfully ignoring the annoyances of the real life (except for eating and sleeping and exams).

And then I realised that that passion actually originated from my story. I loved it — I love it. I love Ada and the fact that she never really speaks, but is always polite, dreamy and well-suited into my fellowship’s new dimension, and that she uses her beloved gay umbrella with such finesse (and I love the fact that she is so determined about the gay part); I love Dee, because she is smart, but doesn’t show it too much, and she is naturally comfortable around people — so much so that she tries to get into their pants moments after she meets them — and I love that she is small but strong, and that she has a catchy laugh; I love Sebastian, and how he is such a tough guy to the point of being mean, but once someone threatens or hurts a friend of his, this someone is immediately on Sebastian’s wrong side, and I love that he can be playful and cool and gleefully violent; I love Sophie, because though she was supposed to be a whiny bitch, she turned out different, and I still can’t figure the woman out — I love that she always seems to be on the bad side of someone, and mostly because she chooses to; I love Nicholas because of his tall awkwardness and the brooding silences he has, and I love him regardless of the fact that he figured out almost my whole plot in chapter eight (I had to mislead the guy tremendously to get something done, seriously), and I love his occasional dark breakdowns and his discomfort and confusion.

I love the scores of my minor characters, because they are so weird in all so different and clever ways; I love my setting, because everything and anything can happen; I love my storyline and my plot, because, though this is me saying it, I think it is supremely clever.

Gosh, I’ve just got to do myself a favour and finish this story, because I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t.

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